@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
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My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
oh u like history? name everything that happened
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.