When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
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[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
I’d rather fork than spoon.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.