[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
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5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Breaking news:
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED