In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
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Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
“You’d better run, egg!”
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true