nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
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[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Is your wife single?
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!