The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
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EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Breaking news:
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Great Canadian literature.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway