[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
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My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.