I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
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Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course