Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
You Might Also Like
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
I didn’t realize that was an option
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”