Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
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Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.