Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
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There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Note to self: always read the final line
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
This is my brand.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background