santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
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ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home