[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
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I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”