The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
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Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Phonetics
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
“and how does that make you feel?”
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
(Jupiter –
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.