the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
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A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me