Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
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5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
#Caturday
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?