[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
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When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Dishonest mechanic?
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
another case of gang violins
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”