Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
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there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Meeeee too!
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.