Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
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ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it