Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
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Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time