Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
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my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
No. He’s not coming out to play
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.