My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
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Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.