If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
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wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton