a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
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Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.