I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
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12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.