8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
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Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD