Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
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My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend