Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
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When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I just tested negative for patience.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Art by Pastelkatto
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping