I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
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In banana years, I am bread.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
All generalizations are stupid.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.