My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
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Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
ACED my prostate exam!
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
The most important meal of the day is the next one
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.