Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
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Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.