Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
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Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Simple
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
what’s really going on
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.