WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
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Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!