Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
You Might Also Like
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.