*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
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Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
i made a craigslist ad !
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.