The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
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Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.