I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
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When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Previously On Persistence 😎
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes