Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
You Might Also Like
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
dads on road-trips be like
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
What the dentist sees
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.