[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
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Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
i guess his teacher was really pissed
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat