I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
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My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Eat…
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”