I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
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Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Guys, I found it.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.