Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
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Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?