I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
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Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Me sliding into hell like
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British