I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
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“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
my fav colour is also hitler