I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
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Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
what day is it?
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂