If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
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I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Lucky old June.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Festive toon…
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house