Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
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me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this