Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
You Might Also Like
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Catercrombie & Fish
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
the only bumper sticker ill allow
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat