*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
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(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.