I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
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Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀